Anxiety and Parenting

Courtesy of Dr. Nga Tran. Nga is a consultant psychiatrist working at the Brisbane ACT Centre. Get in touch with our friendly staff to  book an appointment with Dr. Nga.

Being a parent is probably the most important role your life.  It is frequently a time of great joy, love, wonder and gratitude.  From the images you would have seen and books you may have read, it certainly seems like these emotions are the ones that will be most prominent.

However it is also common to feel other emotions that perhaps you may think you are not supposed to feel.

Feeling down, sad, depressed, guilty, overwhelmed or anxious are also very common for parents.

Anxiety is a normal emotion that is vital in protecting us from danger. When we perceive a threat our body reacts with physiological changes including the release of large amounts of adrenaline and an increased heart and breathing rate. These changes prepare the body to fight or take flight from the threat. If you think about how fragile and defenceless a child is, then it makes perfect survival sense for the mother to be constantly on the alert for threats to its wellbeing.

Our brains are still wired like this to detect bears and tigers that may harm our children, or poisons in the environment that may make them ill.  You may feel restless, fidgety and constantly on edge.  Your sleep and appetite may be affected.  You may find yourself constantly thinking ahead to plan and organise to shield off any potential problems.  You may constantly look for the perfect response to every situation.  So many “what if” and potentially catastrophic scenarios run through your mind that you may not be able to make any decisions at all.  You may feel guilty and your mind may tell you that you are not a good mum, that you should know what to do, that everyone else except you can handle the situation.

You may respond to these emotions in a way that makes the problem get bigger rather than smaller, such as withdrawing from your family and friends, stop doing the things that normally give you pleasure, work harder in setting rules and schedules in order to get a sense that you can control the danger.

These strategies work well when there is a tiger outside about to eat your child.  But when the source of danger is diffuse and cannot be eliminated, such as worrying thoughts, these strategies actually teach you that you need to worry harder and exert more routine and control.  And the potential sources of worry are endless, so a vicious cycle is set up.  Reading multiple parenting books and websites can often increase the doubts that perhaps you are not doing things right and that you need to work harder.

This is not because you are in any way abnormal.  This is just how your brain, and most of our brains, work.  For a combination of reasons that may include your usual thinking style, the ways of coping you have observed around you, past experiences, your current situation, responses of others, and the temperament of your child, you have inadvertently found yourself in this vicious cycle.

ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) is a modern form of CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) that is very effective for anxiety.

ACT helps you to become aware of your anxious thoughts and emotions, not as automatic cues of danger but as events occurring in your mind and body.  In that way you don’t have to automatically react to your thoughts and emotions, but be able to step back from them and see them for what they are.  This frees you up to act in a way that is more in keeping with how you want to be as a parent and as a person.  It allows you to experience your unique child as he or she really is from moment to moment, a concept known as mindfulness.  In this way you can notice all the subtle cues that your child uses to communicate.  This more than any set rules or routine, forms the basis of the sort of interaction and care that will allow you and your child to thrive together.

An added benefit is that you can apply this to all other areas of your life on an ongoing basis.  So ACT is so much more than a treatment for depression or anxiety.  You gain a whole set of skills that help you to live a richer and more vital life, and can dip into this tool box time and time again throughout your life.

Winning Your Sweetheart's Heart... and Again

Courtesy of Brisbane ACT Centre psychologist, Nikita Kotlarov. Check out Nik’s website here.

Winning Your Sweetheart’s Heart… and again.

  1. Perfect relationship? Where?
  2. You are different, most of this will not change.
  3. Unburdening or Winning Your Sweetheart’s Heart?
  4. Adults misbehave too.
  5. Wired to connect, hurt from disconnect.
  6. When we protest, we misbehave. We protest when in pain.
  7. Who do I blame for the pattern?
  8. Emotional hurt less valid than physical? What about trust?
  9. Scary cues.

10. I don’t want to think about the scary cues, how do I build? 11. What will help/or make changes more difficult?

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship.
We may admire a couple of friends, who seem to have it ‘all together’, or watch a movie and get an idea of others having perfect relationships. Unfortunately, after the actors finished shooting the movie, they go and have real lives with real relationship problems. After all, don’t we all try to show our best side to our friends as well? Chances are, some of them might thing we have it ‘all together’ as well!

When two people come together, they often share some similarities, and also many differences. Most of their differences will never be resolved. For example the male is unlikely to stop being a male. Even in same sex couples the partners often chose those who are very different to themselves. Initially, we Win our Sweetheart’s Heart by celebrating these differences, rather than trying to get our partners to change. We call it the ‘honeymoon’ stage, when we truly do celebrate these differences, often creating our children in the process!

I am not happy with my relationship! Now what!?
Luckily for you, being a human means that we are great learners and can quite flexibly adapt to the changing world (like long working routines or the arrival of a baby), our changing ideas about ourselves (like traumatic experiences, aging, or simply gaining wisdom), or changing perceptions about our partners (like her/him starting to earn more, or stopping work to focus on parenting). It is also important to remember that we don’t have unlimited resources. We can’t be everywhere doing everything at the same time all the time! This means that in working on your relationship you will sometimes be Winning Your Sweetheart’s Heart or sometimes unburdening. Surprisingly, not many of us will know the difference. A good start in building your relationship is to regularly pay attention – am I unburdening, or am I Winning my Sweetheart’s Heart? Regularly learning the difference during ‘peace’ times will help you make a valued choice during the times you are flooded emotionally. This is called ‘overtraining’ and can be used when you are expected to perform under pressure.

Working with couples, I often see the aftermath of some extremes of fights. Two loved ones will hurt each other in many ways, will betray trust, break things, threaten to-or reveal secrets, hurt each other emotionally, and even physically. When asked, both will often either not remember what the fight was about or will agree it was about something small and insignificant. Why then, do we go through such tremendous emotional rollercoasters with our partners?! Or else withdraw, emotionally and even physically… whilst hurting and grieving not having our partners present in our life or not being present in theirs. All the while, avoiding them, avoiding topics of conversation, or avoiding connection. Quite the opposite from Winning Your Sweetheart’s Heart! These experiences appear to be akin to our responses to threats – fight, flight, freeze, and fright – the nature’s ‘crude-but-fast’ survival reaction. Survival of what? What is the threat?

Psychologist and co-founder of the Emotionally Focused Therapy Dr Sue Johnson explains that we are born with fundamental needs – to survive and to belong. As a result, we have the corresponding fears – fear of injury/death and fear of abandonment/rejection. These are as powerful as each other and sometimes we will act in a way that will risk… or even cost… us our life – so that we are not abandoned/rejected. Fears can be triggered by cues, suggesting a threat. Some cues are with us when we are born. For example, wind in the face, loud noises, or quick drop can startle, upset, or panic a baby. Similarly, there are cues that trigger our fear of abandonment/rejection. These are just as powerful and can trigger primal panic, similarly to that of injury/death.

Professor of Psychology at the University of Massachusetts Dr Edward Tronick has demonstrated this in his series of experiments popularly called the “Still Face Experiments”. You can easily find the video on YouTube. The experimenter asks the mother to face the baby without responding to her. The baby immediately notices the ‘disconnect’ and instinctively (she has no logic developed yet) acts to get her mother back. After number of failed attempts, the baby’s distress becomes unbearable and the experiment is stopped after only 2 minutes. The attempts to reconnect vary from withdrawal, to appealing to mother’s curiosity, to protest, to panic. This is our normal human way of connecting with loved ones. Adults do that too. Especially, when feeling a ‘disconnect’ from our partner. Sometimes this works. I might realise how much pain my partner is in and come to soothe her (Win my Sweetheart’s Heart) after hearing her yelling “you’re never there for me!” Alternatively, I might experience this as a ‘disconnect’ and a ‘threat’ of abandonment/rejection and… panic as well. Sometimes unburdening our panic, expelling our anger, or protecting ourselves will trigger our partners more (and so on…). Responding to your partner’s attempts to reconnect in a way that is perceived as reconnecting will be Winning Your Sweetheart’s Heart.

Fault… We focus so much on whose fault it is…
Blaming ourselves can be so painful and can flood us emotionally. Unburdening through blaming others can result in them feeling under attack and defend. Chances are, of course, if we or our partners could simply choose between two buttons “good response” or “bad” – we would always choose “good”! But it’s not that simple and the world can be harsh and complex. If I don’t fully control it, how can it be my or my partner’s ‘fault’? Our experiences can be multifaceted and painful and sometimes couples fall into a pattern that is not working. As Dr Sue Johnson calls it the “protest polka” is a dance, where one partner’s move hurts the other, pushing them to move in a hurtful way, and so on. Consider in your relationship, when you and your partner get into painful conversations, does one withdraw more, while the other pursues? Does one’s withdrawal lead the other to pursue more? Does the pursuit lead to more withdrawal? This is a painful place for anyone to find themselves and I find it difficult to allocate faults to either of the partners. Finding a way out of this pattern can help you Win Your Sweetheart’s Heart.

When we step on someone’s foot, there’s no need to be confused. The person who did the hurting, cares for the person in pain, “are you ok? I am so sorry, I didn’t see you there. Let me have a look at it” and so on. Unfortunately, we seem to regard physical pain as more valid than emotional… for some reason. Our partners can – and if we care about each other, will – get hurt emotionally by something we have done. During that time, we could look after our partners (apologise, soothe, etc) or do I look after ourselves (defend, blame, etc). Dr John Gottman calls times that we face this choice “sliding door moments” (after the movie). One such event does not define the relationship. It is important, however to consider that every time we choose ourselves, we erode trust. On the other hand, every time you choose to look after your partner, you build trust and get another step toward Winning Your Sweetheart’s Heart. Yes, you read correctly – trust is built in small daily choices, when you put your partner before yourself.

How do I know when I trigger my partner’s primal panic? Dr John Gottman and his team spent literally decades videotaping couples, coding their behaviours, observing their impact on relationships. Ultimately, they were able to define 4 behaviours that they called the “disasters of relationships” (or the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse). Each comes with an antidote to help you in Winning Your Sweetheart’s Heart. As you read through those, notice that each of these behaviours are more than common in our communities – they are culturally supported:

Disasters:

1. Criticism (accusing, blaming) – instead, state your pain and need

2. Defence (sometimes by attacking) – instead, take responsibility “oh, that’s a good point… sorry”

3. Contempt – “I’m better than you… honey, this is how you do it…” (feel superior, name-calling – best predictor of divorce) – instead, make deposits into your emotional account at 5:1 ratio

4. Stonewalling (see pic, pulse > ~100) – instead, manage your and your partner’s agitation

Later on, Drs Julie and John Gottman, described the 7 behaviours they called the “masters of relationships”.

Masters:

Give your partner at least 5 times more Praise than Reprimand. The sound Relationship House (bottom up):

1. Build Love Maps (know your partner – maintain awareness of your partner’s world) – ask open ended questions.

2. Share Fondness and Admiration (instead of focusing on mistakes, focus on what the partner does well) – Make deposits into the Emotional Bank Account at 5:1 ratio.

3. Turn Towards (towards bids: be aware of how partner asks for attention and respond) – Accept bids for emotional connection.

4. The Positive Perspective – A positive perspective occurs when the friendship of your marriage is strong

5. Manage Conflict:

  • Accept influence from your partner – be open to compromise.
  • Discuss your problems – take turns listening to one another about perpetual issues.
  • Practice self-soothing – reduce your agitation.

6. Make Life Dreams Come True – Help partner act on what matters to them

7. Create Shared Meaning – Build a shared sense of purpose. What is your mission and legacy?

Humans are great learners, which means that when we do something once, twice… we get better at it. In my sessions with couples, I often notice how quickly the partners will assume their habitual positions in their interaction with each other. So much so, that it appears they kind of acting out a well-rehearsed script. Both know to anticipate hurt, even if none was offered. This is a testament to how powerful of a learner human beings are. We can learn to do quite complex things, like driving a car, on ‘autopilot’, without having to pay deliberate attention to the process. Sometimes, the ‘script’ doesn’t fit what needs to be done. For example, finding oneself driving overseas on the opposite side of the road, we need to slow our ‘autopilot’ down and bring it to our awareness. Similarly, when things you do in your relationship, and/or some of the patterns, don’t work, being a human and a great learner means you can slow these processes down, bring them to your awareness and make conscious choices. Try this until you find what works and it too will become a more effective ‘script’ in Winning Your Sweetheart’s Heart.

Some of these scripts are likely to affect you outside of your home. Humans have a unique ability to ‘conjure up’ a mental experience without the need in external triggers. For example, I can, from time to time, experience real emotional reactions (with real biological changes in my body) in response to some of my memories, or fears for the future. Neither one has to be present in the room with me, I just get ‘hooked’ on this mental experience. In therapy – what you learnt about being hurt in relationships could affect how you relate to your therapist. You may anticipate and/or misinterpret things as judgement, blaming… more hurt. Generally, 3 things are likely to make changes more difficult for you: a) lack of clarity in who cares for whom at what point – you and your partner kind of take turns; b) getting ‘hooked’ on past wounds and hurt; c) getting ‘hooked’ on logic and missing the big picture of what you and/or your partner are going through. Some terrible logic can lead us to build resentment, rather than gratitude. One such ‘hook’ has been described by social psychologists Harold Kelley and John Thibaut as ‘CL alt’ or ‘Comparison Level for Alternatives’. This is when as a partner, I decide to shift the responsibility for my actions in the relationship to my partner, assume I am beyond blame, and stop committing to Winning my Sweetheart’s Heart. Usual thoughts that come with this are ‘I don’t need this mess’ or ‘I deserve better’ – the perception that if the partner was to be replaced, I would somehow be having a great relationship. To effectively be Winning Your Sweetheart’s Heart, you will need to be able to notice when you are ‘hooked’ and return to acting on what is important.

Finally remember, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. You are likely to experience some effective times, but also some ineffective. This does not mean that “nothing works”. It just means that in the balance of things, you are right now ineffective. Work with your partner to grow the times that you are effective. Learn to notice as quickly as possible when you are ineffective and return to what you found works for you to be effective again. Regularly seek opportunity to celebrate your partner. As the DJ Avicii and singer-writer Aloe Blacc put it…
Life’s a game made for everyone, and love is the prize…

Mindfulness and Christian Meditation

By Ingrid Ord

I am frequently asked to comment on Christian meditation websites, and these requests have increased as, I suspect, the availability of such websites has increased. Many Christian denominations are represented, and I suspect that there is a fairly even distribution, although I have not researched this. Many offer courses, retreats and material such as books and CD’s in their shopping areas.

I am not going to pinpoint any particular website as I am perturbed by something which I will go on to explain, and I do not wish to denigrate the work of any particular group or person.

It is no secret that over the centuries multiple variations of forms of worship and religious practices have become popular in the Christian church. Indeed, they have been the root of many a conflict leading, in the most extreme cases, to murder and suicide. Any form of ‘packaging’ a set of rituals and rules for the practice of worship and communion with God is, unfortunately, vulnerable to the perils of being exalted from ‘one way of doing it’ to ‘the only way to do it’.

I fear that this might happen to Christian meditation if it is linked to any prescribed manner of behaving. In all of my work with ACT and how it can be helpful for Christians, I have stayed away from Christian traditions, for the reason explained above, and stuck with the one religious text common to all Christian traditions: the Bible.

I have found a very rich connection between mindfulness and Christian meditation, in the Bible, and explain this and have written about it and produced a CD. In no place do I prescribe a manner of behaving, as that is best left to the individual and the complexity of their needs and ways of relating. I explain this a little later – but first I think it may be helpful to tell you a (true) story to illustrate the connection.

This morning the sun was shining brilliantly, the sky was a pristine blue and I noticed a feeling of hopefulness. Nothing very intense, just a mild, general, ‘I can do this’ kind of a day. It is now clouding over, threatening rain and I am aware of a slight ‘slowing down’ within me, and barely perceptible thoughts about how difficult things are. As my spirituality is very important to me, I also find my thoughts tending towards God and His part in all of this. Couldn’t He just arrange for me to have one, really good day? Doesn’t He know that I am an African to whom sunshine is life and joy and motivation in contrast to these grey, English skies which breathe ‘trudge’ and ‘plod’ and ‘do it grudgingly because you have to’ kind of days?

Before I started regularly practising mindfulness and Christian meditation, I would only have known that I felt mildly disgruntled, but not really have known why. Then I would have felt guilty for being ungrateful and become embroiled in a complexity of thoughts and feelings about how bad, unworthy etc I am. Now I can tease out my thoughts and feelings and notice how they are linked to small changes in the environment/context. I also notice what I want to do as a result (ie: go back to bed) and purposefully assess whether that lines up with what is important to me (ie: catching up with my correspondence). Then I can make an informed decision.

It just so happens that I am still writing because I chose to continue doing something that is important to me, and, coincidentally, the sun is shining again. The sunshine is now a bonus, and not something upon which my sense of vitality or purpose is dependant. Very much connected is whether this becomes important in my relationship with God, or not. In other words, if my happiness depended upon whether the sun shines or not, and God says He loves me, then He could prove it by making the sun shine. Right? So if He doesn’t, does that make Him perverse, unloving or perhaps a liar?

If you have read thus far, you may find the above a little strange, especially if you have different religious views from me. To my mind, and in the minds of some, if not many, other Christians, these thoughts would all be entirely logical. I am now aware of them as a direct result of my practice of mindfulness over the years. This awareness has helped me to clear the confusion about why I feel like I do, and what I should do about it. Judging myself for not being content has also been replaced with compassion for my reactions to current difficulties.

Part of the whole process described above  is to do with my relationship with God, and that, together with questions about whether he is perverse, unloving or a liar are settled through meditation. I say ‘settled’ and not ‘answered’ because part of the process has been to learn to live with ambiguity about the ways of God. What the Bible says about God is unambiguous, whether you believe it or not. If you believe it, then questions about His character become irrelevant because the answer is written and, although difficult to understand, the matter is settled upon remembrance of that which is written. What is written is that God is good, just, and loving, and has a wonderful plan for each of His children.

Practitioners of mindfulness who also practise meditation have noted how the experience of practising mindfulness can be very similar to the experience of practising meditation.  This has led to a certain amount of confusion, even amongst professionals.  Both terms have become common in the media and popular psychology, and can have very different meanings for different people.

Mindfulness as a therapeutic practice has no essential spiritual connotations.  The aim is to relearn how we can simply let our thoughts, emotions and physical urges or sensations just ‘be’, without trying to ‘do’ anything with them or about them.  No spiritual exercise is part of the practice.  Meditation is usually linked with spiritual practices which have spiritual gains as their goal.  The difference between the two practices lies in the goal of the practitioner, although the method of practise may appear to be very similar.

It is not essential for a Christian to practise meditation in order to benefit from mindfulness.  Some may find it threatening to consider doing meditation as it is often linked with other religions.

The aim of Christian meditation is very specific, and it is very important to keep in mind whether one is doing an exercise as mindfulness, or as Christian meditation.

Christian meditation:

In Psalm 1 the Psalmist says ‘Blessed is the man (whose) delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night.’ Blessed means ‘happy’!  Does that, and the word ‘delight’, mean that meditation on God’s word is, in fact, a source of happiness?

The Bible says that God wants a relationship with us based on love, obedience and trust and not an empty show of rituals (1 Samuel 15:22).

Praying and communicating with God can be difficult as it involves conveying our thoughts and feelings, and listening to what God may be saying.  In close relationships words are not always needed.  The mere presence of the loved one brings delight.  It is a profoundly moving experience to be free of the need for words and to just be in the Presence of God, in the spirit.

Sometimes there are words, and you may hear the ‘still small voice’ (1Ki 19:12) (NIV) of God in these ‘quiet and alone’ times.  Paying attention to what God may be saying in that moment can be a great help in experiencing the Presence of God in a full and open relationship.

Sometimes there are words, oftentimes no words but just a sense of being in His Presence.  This is Christian meditation.

Where does mindfulness fit in?

The practice of mindfulness can facilitate and provide a platform for the practice of Christian meditation.  Kabat-Zinn says that what tends to happen in mindfulness is that it shows us how to ‘surf the wave between chaos and order’.  Even when we feel very turbulent or our minds are troubled, mindfulness helps us to ‘find the sweet stillness inside the wave.’ (Rich Simon, Mary Sykes Wylie) Mindfulness is good  preparation for focussed attention on God’s word.

Paying attention to ‘what comes up’ in the present moment with no goal other  than just to notice, and continually returning to this task without judging oneself, brings us to a ‘Just as I am’ state of mind.

It is hard not to judge ourselves and try to ‘fix’ things about ourselves before approaching God.  It is natural to want to protect parts of ourselves from scrutiny. It is hard enough to be willing to notice certain aspects of ourselves without going into judgemental mental activity when we are alone.  That is why it takes practice to allow all these parts to be present when we spend time with God.

In approaching ourselves first, in an attentive manner without judging, we allow the totality of who we are right now to be present.

Meditation is not difficult in the sense that it requires skilful learning.  It is difficult because it ‘goes against the grain’.  Just as it is not easy to take time out from daily tasks to exercise physically, so it is not easy to take our minds out of their usual activities into a special time of just experiencing the present moment, right here, right now.

As mentioned earlier, it is important to remember what we are aiming at.  The aim of Christian meditation is not to empty the mind but to focus upon ‘obedience and faithfulness’ to God which, as Foster suggests, is what ‘most clearly distinguishes Christian meditation from its Eastern and secular counterparts.’  (p37) (Foster, 1998)  Further on he states that ‘..detachment is not enough; we must go on to attachment.’(p43)

The bible is replete with suggestions about many different ways to meditate and many different things to meditate upon. We will just have to leave that for another time.

Much of what has been written here has been taken from my book ‘ACT With Faith’ (2014) and on the CD which I recorded in 2009 called ‘Mindfulness and Christian Meditation’. Both are exclusively available on the website ‘Actwithfaithbook.com’ in paperback, PDF, CD and MP4 format.

Other references include:

Foster, R. (1998). In Celebration of Discipline (20th ed.).

James Strong, S. L. (1890). Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance.

Lawrence, B. (1967). The Practice of the Presence of God with Spiritual Maxims. (F. H. Revell, Ed.) Grand Rapids, MI: Spire Books

Rich Simon, Mary Sykes Wylie. (n.d.). The Power of Paying Attention: What Jon Kabat-Zinn has against spirituality. Retrieved 2009, from Psychotherapy Networker.