Trauma Does Not Have to be a Life Sentence

In an ideal world every child will be nurtured, loved and protected. Unfortunately, as my news feed keeps reminding me, we don’t live in an ideal world, the world is not a fair place and numerous children encounter adverse and even traumatic situations far too early in life.


These highly traumatising life events may involve experiences of abuse and neglect, domestic violence or a hostile divorce, just to name a few. Very often, these early experiences create an unhelpful template that people replicate in adult relationships with partners, children, and even employers.


As we routinely see in the therapy room, people carry narratives that sometimes originated in these early traumatic experiences. Numerous clients get really stuck in their narratives of abandonment, or defectiveness and of course they don’t always see that those early adverse experiences are at the origin of those narratives.


An active present focused therapy like Acceptance and Commitment therapy (ACT) brings hope because, even when the negative impact of those early experiences is strong, our work starts by helping people develop a sense of inner safety (sometimes for the first time in their lives), develop coping skills, process traumatic memories, heal and learn to meet their needs in a healthy way that may not have been available at an early age.


Three critical ACT processes – being present, opening up, and doing what matters – provide opportunities for people to take distance from unhelpful and unwanted narrative, connect with what they really care in life and commit to actions. These powerful ACT skill sets help people quickly learn that they can become grounded, begin to heal, cultivate self-compassion and acknowledge that their past experiences of trauma do not need to define who they really are here and now. An ACT approach fosters willingness to experience those painful narratives and feelings as a mental process, strongly validating the emotions associated with them and at the same time reducing behavioral avoidance. ACT is a very active therapy, where people learn skills to mindfully make room for difficult mental and physical experiences, without judgment but rather with a kind, curious and self-compassionate attitude.


Have you had experiences of trauma or adverse childhood experiences? Are you feeling stuck and struggling now? Why not give ACT and mindfulness skills building a go? After all, it is never too late to give your inner child a chance to lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

Redefining Success: Ditch Resolutions, Embrace Your Values

By Ms Ali V Flint

Learn more about Ali

The January air seems thick with a kind of angsty, overwhelmed, tension, laced with melancholy of the holidays end and a brave hope for a more joyful, abundant, promising New Year.

We are almost through January now, and the excitement of a fresh start might be mingling with a tinge of self-reflection and uncomfortable review, as we avoid noticing the healthy cookbooks and running shoes we received as Christmas gifts and the image looking back at us in the mirror. The vision board, meticulously crafted, the carefully outlined goals, and the resolutions regretfully declared aloud with enthusiasm may already be haunting us.

If you’re feeling like you’re falling short of the aspirations set out a couple of weeks ago, take a moment to b r e a t h e. The truth is the pressure to adhere to a rigid set of resolutions often sets us up for a cheek-blushing tender fall right about now. It’s not uncommon to feel a sense of broken promises and disillusionment as the initial enthusiasm dwindles and we are left feeling defeated, lost, or questioning our ability to truly change.

What if we redirected our focus away from the unhelpful ‘must and should’ self-talk, the checklist of lofty goals, and toward something more sustainable and nourishing? Please join me as we safely enter the sanity-saving realm of values – offering a more compassionate, resilient, and sustainable approach to personal growth, and which doesn’t get left behind like that unopened journal in the top drawer or the dusty exercise bike in the shed.

I don’t know about you, but one of my brain cells spontaneously combusts in an electrified protesting puff of annoyance each time I hear the ‘New Year, New Me’ mantra. Rest assured; it really is OK to decline the invitation to feel pressured to completely reinvent yourself every year. Life is a continuous journey, not a series of annual reboots that launch on 1st January and conclude on 31st December in a measurable and predictable timeline.

Instead of discarding the old versions of ourselves like last year’s calendar, let’s acknowledge and appreciate the courage and resilience it took to chart a course through the various twists and turns that brought us to this point. Whether you’re facing ongoing health challenges, family complexities, work stress, or wrestling with mental health issues, your journey is uniquely yours, and there’s no need to erase the chapters or lessons that shaped the incredible person you are today. You would not be reading this blog if you were not motivated to better yourself and keep on trying. Call me crazy, but I think we owe a lot to all the endless versions of ourselves that continue to reside within. Why would we want to discard these precious witnesses to a life lived thus far? I see you, and I salute you – every single version of you.

Like many things, you were probably not taught about values within the school curriculum. Most of our parents probably didn’t sit us down and talk to us about their values, let alone provoke us to think about our own. Understandably, values are a concept learned about in the biggest classroom there is – L I F E.

In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), values refer to: the deeply held qualities and principles that individuals find meaningful and important in their lives. These values can be thought of as a guiding compass, helping us navigate our actions and choices.

In ACT, the emphasis is on identifying and living in accordance with one’s values, fostering a sense of purpose and fulfillment, rather than focusing solely on specific short-lived goals or external outcomes. Values provide a flexible and enduring framework for making choices that align with the kind of person you want to be and the type of life you want to lead. In an age of seemingly infinite ideas, information, a simple question you can ask yourself when facing tricky decision points is as follows: “Is this an away move or a toward move” in relation to my core values and what I stand for?”

Having similar or dissimilar ‘values’ can also be the reason we seem to click with certain people or feel at home in particular settings while others rub us up the wrong way and make us feel as out of place as a penguin in the desert. This is not to say we must have the same values to be friends or get along with loved ones and colleagues (boring!), but if you do happen to notice your buttons being pushed, a deeper understanding of your core values, where they came from and why they’re important to you might just help shine a light on some of the repetitive patterns and conflicts playing out underneath the surface.

Consider taking the short, free quiz below to discover what your core values are. Optional challenge: compare and converse with a loved one about how each of your values are the same or different, how you rated priority values over other equally appealing ones, and why you think that might be true for you.

Living in alignment with your core values often brings about a sense of contentment and “rightness,” even in the face of life’s challenges. And let me just clarify, I do not mean ‘right’ as in better than, but rather the type of ‘just right’ which Goldilocks was seeking when she sampled all those bears’ porridges – a good fit for that individual, person, at that time in their life, under the circumstances they are facing. When our actions deviate from these same values, we may experience a subtle sense of discomfort or disconnection. What a helpful ‘clue’ to remind us that we may have strayed, that it could be helpful to pay attention to what is going on in that moment, and why certain feelings or responses might be arising.

Should you wish to dive deeper into the world of values, the team at Brisbane ACT Centre are committed to supporting you in this exploration and can support you to tug on those threads, and craft a colourful life that resonates with what truly matters to you. Get in touch if this blog article resonates with you and you are open to embracing the power of values. Values-based living is about embarking on a journey of self-discovery, seeking increased self-awareness, and improved self-confidence that comes with knowing who you are at that authentic, embodied level.

May knowing you have a compass hidden in your pocket, and always ready to assist you, bring some peace of mind and an extra dose of courage for the year ahead and beyond.


Ms Ali V Flint

General Psychologist, ACT Therapist & Buddhist Psychotherapist

Ali is a compassionate, highly intuitive psychologist with over 15 years of clinical experience. Friendly, down-to-earth and practical in her approach, Ali seeks to truly connect with her clients and support them to tap into their own inner wisdom and strength.

The Inevitability of Change - Learning to be in the Moment

By Ms Ali V Flint

They say “the only things certain in life are death and taxes”, but there’s another - the inevitability of change. The fact that nothing stays the same is something that bears thinking about as a human being in a temporary body, with to-do-lists that are never completely done, existing on a planet that we have a complicated relationship with.

One of the reasons I cherish the Buddhist teachings is their timeless relevance and universal applicability to all. A deep dive in to the topic of impermanence during a recent study module left me processing long after the weekend Zoom lessons concluded. The need to absorb these teachings via my laptop in my lounge room rather than taking a flight to Sydney and being with my Sangha was another lesson in itself – acceptance of unwanted changes, of yet another frustration associated with Covid-19, of finding peace with what is, and appreciating that technology can let us connect in alternative ways.

Some people might find impermanence and change confronting or saddening - and there definitely is that element within the teachings. The fragility of life, and the search for meaning while we live it, are not easy issues to meditate on. Considering impermanence and change however powerfully promotes the preciousness of each experience we have, honours each connection we make, and reminds us that the memories we collect may be all we have at the very end.

It’s understandable to fear change, protect the perimeter of our comfort zones, and grasp at the familiar. We cling to everything from our youth, identity, beloved pets, friendships, jobs, health, societal expectations and rapidly-growing children who will at some point look down from the mountains they too have climbed.

A lot of my work involves supporting teenagers with mental health issues – which simultaneously keeps me connected to my younger self and shines a light on every day (and the lines on my face) on the planet so far. There is nothing like a teenager to give you brutally honest feedback or remind you of how ancient you seem. In other words, everything is relative, depending on where we personally sit on the spectrum of what is being considered.

Consider for a moment a golden sunrise gliding its way across the backdrop of a pink dawn sky. As the flaming globe keeps ascending, the sky dances through a colour wheel of pinks, purples and blues. Now imagine that you are a teenager late home for curfew again and every star that disappears is replaced by a cloud that spells out the trouble which you will face when you get home to your angry, worried parents. Take this moment instead to daydream that you are feeling weary at the end of your long life, but also grateful to be surrounded by your loved ones. Someone opens the curtains for you so you can enjoy nature’s lightshow. This sunrise may very well be the last one you experience. The opening scene on your final act. Perspective-taking can be reality-making

We rely on the beauty and awe of the natural world to comprehend and describe lofty concepts that occupy our busy minds and fill bookshelves, theatres and song lyrics. Poetry tugs at our heart strings in the same way – so I appreciated the threads of Zen poetry that were woven through the recent weekend module. For the keenly observant, layers of deep complexity are seemingly hidden within most simple reflections, in the same way that a moment can hold incredibly varied meanings depending on the context and attitude of the perceiver.

Below is a classic Japanese poem that can be seen at Sarusawa Pond – by a beautiful Buddhist temple in Nara Park, Japan (ironically translated as ‘monkey swamp’). What an insightful way of highlighting how the same event can affect each of us in different ways:

At the clapping of hands
The carp come swimming for food
The birds fly away in fright, and
A maid comes carrying tea.

It sometimes takes a startling wake-up call in the form of the death of a loved one, a health scare, being made redundant, a soul mate asking to separate, or the loss of possessions in a house fire or natural disaster to remind us we are on borrowed time and nothing really lasts forever. Don’t wait for such a day. If you are reading this, part of you already knows that it is within your power to stop sleep-walking through your life.

The present moment is all we have. Wishing away our struggles and chasing the next goal is literally erasing the precious time we do have. Being mindful of the moment you are currently experiencing is a mindset and a habit that can be practiced. We are all weavers. Humankind and the rich ecosystems we are part of are undeniably interconnected. Our lives are a myriad of unique tapestries. Truly noticing and appreciating the various threads within the tapestry - that is the way to truly see all the colours and textures of your life.

I extend an invitation to you - to meditate on the following:

Death is certain.
The time is uncertain.
What will you do with this one precious life

About the Author

Ali is a compassionate, highly intuitive psychologist with over 15 years of clinical experience. Friendly, down-to-earth and practical in her approach, Ali seeks to truly connect with her clients and support them to tap into their own inner wisdom and strength.

How to improve mental health in 2020 - What’s the difference between a top down and a bottom up approach to wellbeing?

By Richard Fryer

Top down performance psychology

If you’re feeling stressed, anxious or depressed at the moment – you aren’t alone. It’s a difficult time for many of us, but fortunately there are practices we can integrate into our lives to enhance our sense of wellbeing. By learning to use bottom up and top down approaches, and to find the ones that work the best for you, you can maintain and perhaps even improve your mental health into the future.The World Health Organisation describes mental health as a state of well-being that enables a person to realise their full potential. Mental health is a fundamental building block of human performance – not something separate or somehow less important. Yet how many organisations have their wellbeing programs separate from their performance initiatives? In my experience, the answer is ‘most’.

We sometimes neglect the importance of wellbeing while focussing on the day-to-day of “living our lives”. So, how do we nurture more mental health and well-being? There are many different ways proven to help people increase their levels of wellbeing which can be broadly grouped into two types of activity.

The first set are ‘top down’ approaches – thinking and talking techniques. These might include talking with a psychologist, socialising with friends, learning new skills and some types of mindfulness meditation. Talk about your experiences with the people you’re close with, immerse yourself in learning new skills, spend time non-judgementally noticing what thoughts and feelings arise for you. You could spend a moment writing down all the feelings that arise for you. Often our inner thoughts are very tumultuous, and it can be surprising how much we’re feeling at any given moment. By taking a moment to name those thoughts and feelings we can make some space for them. Naming difficult thoughts and feelings won’t make them go away, but it can help us to carry them lightly.

The second set can be called ‘bottom up’ approaches as they work through the body to improve the mind. The body and the mind work together to shape our experiences, by using a bottom up approach we can improve our sense of wellbeing through physical experiences. Bottom up approaches to wellbeing include exercise, yoga, diaphragmatic breathing, music and other forms of play. Schedule some time to do things that make your body feel at peace.

You may notice that some activities are a combination of top down and bottom up – for example mindfulness practise that uses breathing as a way to connect with the present moment non-judgmentally.So which mix of approaches is best for me? The answer is likely to be ‘the one that you enjoy doing the most’ – which you’ll discover with expert psychologist help and encouragement! The most important point is that investing time in our mental health is an essential foundation for flourishing in our lives – not something that we should put off because of seemingly more “urgent” work or life priorities.

This is why expert ACT therapist help in building your psychological flexibility can really enhance your life performance outcomes – they have the skills and training to integrate mental health and wellbeing work with valued living improvement work, recognising that everyone needs a bit of everything from time to time.

Richard Fryer is a general and sport and performance psychologist at Brisbane ACT Centre. He works with a broad range of clients, whatever their struggle to help people realise their life performance potential – and live more rich, full and meaningful lives – during the Covid-19 crisis and beyond!

Turning Shame into Sunsets: How ACT can Help you Commit to your OCD Treatment

By Richard Bunker

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a highly debilitating psychological disorder which affects approximately 3% of the population. Yet despite its prevalence, many people with OCD will often delay seeking treatment because of shame, embarrassment or fear of being judged. So powerful is this shame that sadly the delay can be months, years or even decades. Unfortunately, OCD does not get better on its own and requires evidence-based treatment delivered by a therapist trained in Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). However, ERP can be a tough treatment and some people discontinue treatment prematurely before they experience an improvement of their OCD symptoms. This is where Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) can help.

At the heart of ACT is a real connection between two human beings. This relationship is built from a place of warmth, respect, compassion and from an understanding that you are not broken, damaged, nor a bad person. An ACT therapist will sit with you during your deepest moments of shame, doubt and embarrassment without judgment or evaluation. It is from within this context of a healing relationship where we turn shame into sunsets and create meaningful life change.

You are not a bad person and you are not alone. Having unwanted and intrusive thoughts even about the most distressing content, for example molesting children, incest, rape, bestiality or harming others does not mean you are a bad person. You are a perfectly normal human being. Most of us; roughly 85% experience having unwanted intrusive thoughts. It’s normal and so are you.

ACT will help you open up to living and to see a bigger perspective than just what the OCD says. You will learn powerful tools to create distance from the painful intrusive experiences, connect more with the world around you and discover the important things in life that matter to you. ACT is a powerful approach that will help you commit to your OCD treatment journey.

You are so much more than the content of your OCD. You are so much more than the horrific and painful intrusive thoughts that repeatedly bombard you. You are so much more than your compulsions and rituals that consume large portions of your day. You are so much more than your OCD suffering. Your OCD does not define who you are, and you no longer need to sit alone in silence with shame.

With ACT you turn crippling fear into courage, transform self-doubt into self-compassion, and turn embarrassment into connection. Together with your therapist, you will be taking small steps toward your OCD treatment goals and turning shame into sunsets as you build a life that is directed by you and not your OCD.

About the Author

Richard Bunker is a clinical psychologist and ACT therapist interested in helping folks suffering with OCD. He has extensive experience in delivering Exposure and Response Prevention therapy (ERP) and has helped many people overcome their OCD using ERP and ACT.

If you would like to know more about Richard, please view his profile here: https://www.brisbaneactcentre.com.au/project/richard-bunker/

If you would like to make an appointment with Richard, please phone the Brisbane ACT Centre on 07 3193 1072.

FACE COVID

FACE COVID – how Acceptance and Commitment Therapy skills can help you to respond effectively to the Covid 19 crisis – with thanks to Dr Russ Harris for the text, and the worldwide ACT community for the wonderful animation and infographic!

‘FACE COVID’ is a set of practical steps you can take to respond to the Corona crisis, using the principles of acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). Here’s a quick summary of the key steps, and in the linked animation, infographic and e-book you can explore them all in more depth:
F = Focus on what’s in your control


A = Acknowledge your thoughts & feelings


C = Come back into your body

E = Engage in what you’re doing

C = Committed action


O = Opening up


V = Values

I = Identify resources


D = Disinfect & distance
= FACE COVID! Let’s now explore these, one by one...

Focus on what's in your control
Fear, anxiety & worry are normal reactions. You can’t magically control them. Nor can you control the Corona virus or the world economy. But you can control what you do – here & now. So focus on that!

Acknowledge thoughts & feelings
Silently and kindly acknowledge your thoughts and feelings, With curiosity, notice what’s going on in your inner world. You might say to yourself, 'I’m noticing feelings of anxiety' or 'There's my mind worrying' or 'I’m having feelings of loneliness'.

Come back into your body
Find your own way to connect with your physical body, For example: Slowly press your feet hard into the floor, or slowly press your fingertips together, or slowly stretch your arms or neck, or shrug your shoulders, or take some slow breaths.

Engage in what you’re doing
Notice where you are, and refocus your attention on the activity at hand. Notice what you can see, hear, touch, taste and smell. Notice what you are doing, and give your full attention to that activity.
NOW!

Committed action
Take effective action. Follow official guidelines to protect yourself & others. Ask yourself often ‘What can I do right now - no matter how small it may be - that improves life for myself or others?’

Open up
Make room for all those painful feelings - and be kind to yourself. What kind things would you say to and do for a loved one in this situation? Apply those same kind words and deeds to yourself.

Values
What sort of person do you want to be? How do you want to treat yourself and others? Your values might include love, patience, courage, kindness … or numerous others. Look for ways to live them.

Identify resources
Identify resources for help, assistance, support, and advice. This includes friends, family, neighbours, health professionals, emergency services. Make sure you know the contact phone numbers.

Disinfect & Distance
Disinfect often & physically distance - to care for yourself, your loved ones, and your community.

Please share all these resources – the animation, infographic and more detailed e-book as widely as you may choose. This is a global time of crisis and need for effective action – let us do all we can to FACE COVID – and care for yourself, your loved ones, and your community.

Check out Russ' full ebook on FACE COVID here.

ACT at the time of COVID-19

By Marcela Costanzo

I woke up this morning with the unsettling feeling of finding a new and scary world out there, this is how much change has happened in so little time. It brought home to me what has been emphasized to us ACT practitioners at every training we have ever done: the value of applying skills on ourselves, not only to develop mastery, but also to truly experience the benefits of what we as therapists suggest to our clients.
This morning I had to make a conscious effort to follow that advice closely. The last few weeks have seen a rise in anxiety levels for everyone I know, and I am not an exception to that. Like many people, my mind alternated between disbelief and bleak scenarios; getting caught up in assumptions, rules and judgments that quickly became unhelpful.

Of course, being an ACT therapist, I understood that my anxious mind was trying to be my friend, save me from potential danger and alert me to treacherous situations. After all, that is the duty of the human mind!

And then I grounded myself, putting both feet on the floor and asked myself: ‘What is important for me right now?’ I noticed how my mind tried really hard to pull me out of this exercise. However, I realized I still have some choices and focused on those things I still some control over, like writing a blog for our clients at the Brisbane ACT centre.

I noticed the uncomfortable emotions that showed up: frustration, impatience, fear and anger just to name a few. Readers may be experiencing those emotions as well. It is totally understandable! After all, I would have preferred to be writing about something else right now, and things may get worse before they improve. How can we not feel anxious at this unprecedented time? And yet, remember that you still have some control over your actions.

You can still choose to act kindly and compassionately towards family and friends, colleagues, and fellow shoppers at the supermarket.

You can still spare a compassionate thought for the countless people who have lost their jobs and are struggling to pay their rent, and for all of us who have to spend more time at home. In these circumstances, some may be more lonely and others may be experiencing the stress of spending long periods with an abusive family member.

Personally, a commitment I made early this morning is to catch myself every time I say ‘Now I can’t ….’ And replace it by ‘How can I ..? So I would love to invite you to join me in being creative in asking this question. When you face the reality that you can’t socialise with your friends, I would love you to ask yourself: ‘How can I keep in touch with my friends in this time of physical distancing?’ ‘How can I look after an elderly family member in the time of physical distancing?’

I realized this morning how much we all need the psychological flexibility that is the ultimate aim in ACT. Remember that when you feel overwhelmed or close to despair, your ACT practitioner will be there for you and do not hesitate to reach out. We are in the process of starting to deliver psychological services remotely, using the great technology at our disposal. We are confident that ACT will help you in the challenging times of COVID-19!

About the Author

Marcela is a clinical psychologist and ACT clinician who is passionate about using modern cognitive behaviour therapies, in particular Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (i.e. ACT!), to help ease many common human struggles. She has expertise in helping clients with a range of presentations including but not limited to anxiety, depression, life transitions, acute stress, relationship issues, change of careers, adjustment disorders, grief and loss, sleep difficulties, self-esteem, chronic pain, body image (all ages) and substance abuse.

How to cultivate inner calm in a context of chaos – getting flexible and connecting with values!

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By Ali Flint

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Hi – I am Ali, a psychologist, human being, and lifelong explorer in science, humanity and spirituality. As part of my ongoing journey of personal growth I recently attended a 5 day Tibetan Buddhism retreat connecting psychology with spirituality. On the way home, in a busy, noisy airport lounge, I wrote some reflections upon my experience, that I'd like to share.

I have been at the airport for a while now.. back to bright, noisy, stimulating and complex civilisation. After 5 challenging nights in a rural spiritual setting - I sit in a path-intersecting pub, having a wine while both a UFC match & background music are surrounding (distracting?) me. What a contrast! Inner calm must be cultivated in a context of chaos or not at all. It seems at this moment like nothing & everything matters - in equal measure.

Despite the misleading word “retreat”, our schedule was demanding: 6:15am- 8:30pm. The dharma lessons were rich and at times my brain drowned in the depths. The deep meditation sessions, chanting of ancient mantras (that reverberated the heart) and group karma was intense. Despite barely sleeping in my modest bed, keeping to strict schedules reinforced by a bell and being devoured by mosquitoes most nights, I truly know I have basked in the teachings that have been in existence since beginningless time, I am privileged to receive the loving kindness of wise Buddhist nuns who are further along the spiritual path, and I am truly lucky (blessed?) to have been part of a group of therapists who are making a concerted effort towards creating a better world we will one day leave behind... 

The heavy rain has fallen day and night throughout the week. A chorus of happy frogs sung loudly & the battle-scarred thirsty Earth soaked up each nourishing drop. Back in Sydney, flights are cancelled, delayed & thankfully rescheduled. Life goes on... no matter what tiny crevice we find ourselves in at any given moment. Our lives are both important and heart-breakingly impermanent & insignificant.

Yet, we all want the same things - true happiness & freedom from suffering. There are always layers. Let’s see each other for who we truly are, and where we are at. We are all doing the best we can, with what we know & have. We have met before. Hello, I am back (for now) – Ali.

Indeed, I was privileged to be able to take this five days away from the rush and pressures of everyday life – but how can I and my clients find such skills DURING the day-to-day chaos? This is where the present moment, values and, yes, even secular spirituality-focused elements of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy can make a real difference.

I am so excited to work in a space that honours the ancient wisdom of such traditions AND builds on and contextualises this from a Western science framework - to allow connection, vitality, mindfulness and more effective ways of dealing with anxiety, depression, trauma, and stress – just some of the conditions we humans might struggle with in our complex, 21st century lives.

Check out my page on the Brisbane ACT Centre site, and get in touch if you'd like to see if I can help you on your own journey of personal growth.

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About the Author

Ali is a compassionate, highly intuitive psychologist with over 15 years of clinical experience. Friendly, down-to-earth and practical in her approach, Ali seeks to truly connect with her clients and support them to tap into their own inner wisdom and strength.

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The Ostrich Effect

Have you ever found yourself putting off something important? Something that you knew you needed to do but found reasons to avoid. Maybe you avoided checking your email for fear of what was inside, maybe not checking a debt balance or a bill or maybe you avoided going to the doctor for fear of unpleasant news.

Ostriches are famous for burying their heads in the sand to avoid predators, although this is a fictitious belief – ostriches don’t really do this. Like the apocryphal story of the ostrich, many of us will commonly bury our heads in the sand to avoid unpleasant experiences, even if those experiences are vital to leading a full, rich life.

The ostrich effect is a tendency to ignore important information when we feel overwhelmed, stressed or worried. In particular, people may delay acquiring information, even when doing so may improve their situation. One study even found that investors check their portfolios growth more frequently in a growth market than one that’s receding. It may be easier to pretend that the problem doesn’t exist than to deal with it, especially if we don’t feel like we have the cognitive resources or emotional capacity to be able to cope with the challenge ahead. We may be in a job that doesn’t fulfil or satisfy us, we may feel that we’re in a relationship with the wrong person, we may regret living in the city we move to, or maybe we’re questioning our sexuality or whether we are studying the right degree? Maybe we’re lacking meaning or purpose in our lives but we don’t know what to do so it’s easier to power on and “just get on with it” and pretend that we’re just doing “fine”.

These types of “problems” we have in life are difficult to talk about and finding the right person to have a discussion with can sometimes be challenging. We all fear people’s judgments, and we prefer to show the version of ourselves that is our “best selves” rather than admitting that things aren’t the way we expected.

In our society today, we are taught to think that we have “control” over our lives. When things go “wrong” or when we have “problems” we have a tendency to overestimate how much influence we have over outcomes. People who are self-critical believe that they got themselves into the mess that they are in, and therefore has the responsibility to get themselves out. When we feel like we are the problem it is more likely that we are going to bury our heads in the sand, to save “face” for as long as possible. However, what if we don’t actually have as much control over our lives than we think we do? What if sometimes stuff just happens and what we need to do is talk about it so that we can overcome our challenge?

If we think about it, businesses are run with groups of people, each person has a different task to do, people have meetings to talk about how each member is going on their particular task and each person is able to get help and feedback from other team members if they are struggling with their project. What if we were to have regular meetings with ourselves and the people we have in our lives? To check in and ask “what’s currently working for you?”, “what do you think you need to improve on?” “what are you finding most challenging”, “Is there anything you’re finding difficult to approach right now?”, “are you missing some important information”, “how can we get through this together?”. Checking in with others and getting and receiving feedback about our personal problems with the right people, can open up new doors to feel differently about our situation. Doing this regularly will decrease stress and prevent problems from getting worse.

When it’s an external problem that has guidelines to follow, objectives to meet and outcome to measure, it’s much easier to talk about because the problem is “out there” rather than something “inside” of us. But when it’s an internal problem, personal situations, difficult thoughts and feelings about life, work, relationships and our future, it’s much harder to articulate and express the issue in words, especially when we haven’t taken the time to process what’s going on for ourselves.

People have a tendency to “avoid” problems. Therefore use different types of methods to help them get rid of them. Some methods include:

-Over productivity: taking on too many new projects, excessively cleaning or exercising, having a regimented routine.

-Suppression: pushing difficult thoughts away, pretending that everything is okay.

-Numbing or Withdrawing: drinking more alcohol than usual, taking drugs, over eating, restrictive dieting, sleeping too much or too little.

The first step to change is to identify what avoidance strategy you are using. Once we admit that something is not working out we usually feel much better about ourselves and our situation because most of the time it’s not half as bad as we think it is. When we open up and talk to a trusted friend, colleague or professional a huge weight is lifted off our shoulders because we are actually dealing with the problem instead of pretending that it doesn’t exist. We all have problems, but most of us don’t like to admit or talk about. If we can stop burying our heads in the sand, open up and be honest to ourselves and others then maybe our lives will be filled with less stress, and only then we can truly experience a life filled with meaning and purpose.

It’s very common to ignore information to avoid unpleasant thoughts and feelings, but by burying our heads in the sand we do ourselves no favours, in fact we only deny ourselves the chance to grow, to be brave, and to be vulnerable with ourselves and others. Talk to those around you about the things you’re avoiding, and do your best to open up and accept that it might be unpleasant, but it’s in service to living your values – and being the kind of person you’d like to be.

Hiking in the Dark: Becoming an Awesome Parent

Close your eyes and imagine that you are about to take a hike into unchartered territory…..In the dark.

While this sounds fear provoking enough, imagine you also have a heavy backpack on your back and a baby in tow.

What!?…..

No, this is not some survival challenge game show I am describing; this is the unchartered territory of becoming a parent.

Let me explain.

Becoming a parent is new. Similar to hiking in unchartered territory. We may have heard about the potholes, steep climbs and dangerous cliffs (e.g., sleep deprivation, strain on relationships, isolation); and maybe some of the highlights (e.g., squishy baby, fierce love, dressing the baby in cute outfits) of being a parent. But….we haven’t yet walked in these shoes and navigated this territory.

Standing at the beginning of this journey with no experience and having an overwhelming feeling of responsibility for a new life can be both exciting AND deeply fear provoking.  When we humans are challenged with something that is unknown (just like walking into the dark), our minds often replace those question marks with scary stuff… Because that’s what minds do (it’s a human thing).

When we get into our heads and our emotions are triggered, it is similar to carrying a large backpack around with us. It is tiring. As though having a new baby isn’t tiring enough, this extra weight can feel debilitating, maybe even reducing the enjoyment potential of this special time.

It is very common for new parents to find themselves getting very in their heads.

Asking questions to try to predict what it might be like: Will I be a good parent? How will I cope without sleep? Will my baby be ok? Will I manage the birth? How will our relationship go?

Being bombarded by negative head talk: I won’t be a good mum/dad; this is going to be terrible; I will lose my life, my time, my body; I will stuff it up; I am not a paternal/maternal person; My relationship may not survive.

Memories can also be invoked. Memories of perceived successes/failures; memories of own childhood experiences (either good – I won’t live up to the childhood I had; or not so good – I am scarred by my experiences).

This head talk coupled with difficult emotions such as anxiety, fear, sadness and confusion can leave new parents feeling very heavy going into such a challenging and exciting time.

  

So, how might we prepare to navigate this new territory?

  1. Fostering an understanding of the normality and human-ness of carrying a backpack (holding your thoughts and emotions).

Having thoughts and emotions are normal human internal experiences. They are not something to be pushed away or be ashamed of. Thoughts and emotions are as human as having a heart that pumps blood around the body. When we view our internal experiences from this standpoint, we often drop the fight with them. This makes a big difference when managing your backpack. Helpful or unhelpful, strong thoughts and strong emotions are normal.

  1. Practice becoming aware of when you have been caught into your thoughts and emotions, and try something different.

With practice you can learn to notice when you get hooked by unhelpful thoughts or feelings. Take the time to get real with the head talk that is murmuring (or blasting!) in the background, and observe it, be curious of it. Rather than telling it to go away or engaging in a battle with your thoughts, pursue those thoughts and feelings – ask questions about the thoughts, notice the words or phrases your mind tends to repeat, can you turn towards the thoughts and feelings with kindness and compassion?

It can also be helpful to check in with: What kind of thoughts hook me in? When am I most vulnerable to falling into my thoughts (tired, sick, low support, low connection with partner?).

Once you are aware that you have been caught into unhelpful head talk, make an active choice to focus your attention on something that DOES matter to you (more on that in points 3 & 4!).

Observing your bodily sensations and emotions is also helpful for managing difficult thoughts and feelings. When a wave of emotion runs through your body, practice closing your eyes, taking a big breath in, and inviting that feeling to be there. Just for a moment. After all, all emotions (yes, even anxiety) are normal internal experiences. This encourages you to drop this fight with your emotions, which in turn can allow this human feeling to pass in its own time (although getting rid of the emotion is never the aim of this approach). 

  1. Having a one to one with yourself about what REALLY, truly, on a heart-level (not on a chatter level, e.g., I just don’t want to stuff it up), matters to you about the kind of parent you want to be

Questions such as: What do I love about how others parent, or my own experiences that I have had as a child?  Or, what do the difficult experiences I had as a child tell me about what matters to me as a parent? What do I want to to stand for in this exact moment (when faced with a challenge: i.e., baby crying, no sleep). What matters to me about how I treat myself during this time? The answers to these questions will differ for everyone; maybe it is honesty, connection, love and/or patience…this requires some exploration. Try to get clear with yourself about what your values are around being a parent. Imagine how you would want to be described as a parent. Make a list of those values to focus on what really matters to you.

4. Once you have some idea of what you THINK matters to you, ask yourself what small actions will take you closer to that, what are the actionable ways you can express those values as a parent?

Make a commitment to taking a small step towards what matters. Whether it be that you value your connection with your partner, so you commit to asking them how they are feeling about approaching this journey; you value your mental health and thus book an initial session with a psychologist to learn how to manage these thoughts and feelings. 

These are just examples, and how you express your values will be unique. Spend some time considering what your values would look like if you expressed them in the world.

The Summary

Being a parent for the first time is new and unknown territory. What is new and unknown can provoke much head chatter and difficult emotions. Rather than avoiding that difficult stuff, you can increase your awareness of it, remind yourself of the normality of it, and take active steps closer to what truly matters to you along the journey of parenthood.

Yes, the above is easier said than done. But it is possible. If you need some help navigating this journey, please get in touch. I would love to help you on your journey.

~Dr. Kimberley Nash